hello my ever-growing herd of reindeer,
well, it looks like i've missed the xmas post again but that's no different to any other year i suppose. here we are, in the sixth year would you believe, of my warm festive words of seasonal encouragement.
now, in the run up to this xmas a few of you have actually requested this year's email. im touched, truly i am BUT THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. you're not supposed to look forward to it! its there to highlight the dark side of xmas, be the black soot marks on Santa's rear, the heavy foot stamping on the elegant bauble, the small yellow patch in pure white snow, the shivering dog that wasn't for life... im not here for your amusement people, im here to say the things you don't want to hear at this time of year.
the bad news of 2007 was me hitting the big three zero - i don't feel older and i don't feel wiser, that's the end of that. the good news i've decided to change the way i 'touch' you at xmas, yes folks... this year i have prepared a *very* small surprise for you - more of that later.
my top 5 tips and home-truths for xmas 2007:
5) when people tell you the e-card was for the environment's sake, it's not. its like optional towel cleaning in hotels, its scrooging and the environmental concerns are just a convenient bonus.
4) if you happen to be travelling very fast in a sledge do not under any circumstances turn suddenly.
3) make the most of any snow and ice, it will soon be gone due to global warming (unless we all send e-cards and re-use our towels of course).
2) stop eating xmas dinner just before you're full, food takes a little while to go down.
1) don't be fooled by men in red suits, they enjoy you sitting on their knee far more than legally they're allowed to and the beard provides handy cover for their creepy grins.
merry xmas one and all, and don't forget to take a good brisk walk xmas morning to get your appetite up, focus on nature and string out the opening of any presents your lucky enough to receive.
keep it real you jingly jokers.
now, run to your digital front doors and without further a-do (where's that rum-a-pum drummer boy when you need him?) i send you...
this.
note: this is not the setting of a precedent and its highly unlikely i'll do the same next year.
ciao.
LukeSanderClaus
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* free mp3 download: XmyAss - the humbug jingle *