hello my poor dishevelled band of elves!
this is it, Christmas message number seven and im afraid to say possibly the grimmest yet. so far i've tried to resuscitate this email twelve times and it still ain't getting up and shaking it's red nose at me. C'MON, DO IT FOR ME, YOU HAIRY GOOD FOR NOTHING BEAST, DON'T GIVE UP NOW!
what are we gonna do folks? where are we to find the glowing fires of Christmas, the rosy red cheeks and the message of hope for all mankind? how are we to survive the harsh winter wastelands of the credit-crunch? so many questions, so little time. i don't know how you're feeling but everywhere just seems to be oozing doom and gloom... it's a shame i agree, but that's the kinda hangover we get for years on a spending binge - i just hope you've by now all 'reined' in your spending and are looking towards a happier more frugal future... at the end of the day, lets be honest, it's not really that bad, just a bit uncomfortable - like new pants... slightly restrictive but ultimately comforting to know it's all under control.
so here's a short list of top tips to save your hard-earned coins this Christmas:
1) scour charity shops for gifts. get this, i found BOGOF offers on books in the local PDSA, brilliant.
2) wrap up warm, they'll think you appreciate the new jumper you got given, it makes you feel a bit Christmassy and you can turn the heating down!
3) buy at least 25% less Christmas food. i can guarantee you'll still survive and come on, you don't really need it do you.
4) have a £1 sin-jar for anyone who talks about money this Christmas, you'll make a packet.
5) save on wrapping paper by stealthily whisking discarded paper away and wrap your own presents in it (don't forget the name tags!).
once you've done all that you'll be set for a rip-roaring good ol' Christmas... stick the TV on and moan about what isn't on, ponder the question does the RadioTimes now make money any time other than at Christmas? put £1 in the sin-jar, go outside and complain about the lack of snow for playing in - deal with your sadness by building the next best thing - a mudman, lie to the kids about the reason for them not receiving proper presents was because Santa had his stash held in an Icelandic bank, put £1 in the sin-jar... you get the idea, yep - it's gonna be pretty much as great as usual!
just remember, no matter what happens, your Christmas could not and will not be as bad as Lapland Matchams, it won't include any of the following winter wonderland treats that the south's biggest and best Crimbo attraction had to offer... thin huskies, Santa with a fag hanging out of his mouth, dirty burger vans, traumatised children, a nativity scene so bad it could be considered blasphemous, wine drinking elves getting slapped in a gingerbread house, £10 to wave at Santa, a big rabbit in a cage?! - the mind boggles... yep, for me, that strange, beautiful, tragic and ironic story pretty much nailed what Christmas 2008 is all about.
have a good one folks, lets hope 2009 is just as bright and glistening.
LukeSanderClaus
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